A Thousand Thoughts

In the dark night, it seemed like Tang Xu had been talking to himself all along.
Tang Cuo listened, but it seemed like he wasn’t really listening.
He didn’t talk about whether or not he had forgiven himself or how much he disliked McDonald’s, nor did he mention anything related to the past.
Despite Tang Xu’s impassioned speech, Tang Cuo did not respond at all.
In the end, he buried his head in his arms and said, “I want to go home.”

 

No matter how many words he had, Tang Xu felt that the entrance to McDonald’s was not a suitable place for a long conversation.
So after Tang Cuo escaped by saying he wanted to go home, Tang Xu patted his head, wrapped him up, and gave him some water.

 

On the way home, Tang Xu didn’t say anything to Tang Cuo anymore.
He changed the playlist on his player from pop songs to soothing piano music.
The more one has on their mind, the more they need time to adjust themselves.
Music is a powerful thing that can easily evoke empathy in people, especially if it is a sad song with poignant lyrics.

 

After they arrived home, Tang Cuo didn’t bring up the earlier incident and simply said that he was tired and wanted to go to bed.
When he finished taking a shower and came out, the living room was dark, but Tang Xu’s room was lit up.
He hesitated for a while before finally approaching Tang Xu’s door and saying, “I’m done showering.”

 

Tang Xu was standing in front of the bookshelf when he heard a sound and turned his head.
Tang Cuo then saw that he was still holding a cigarette.
However, there was no smoke in the room.
Upon closer inspection, the cigarette was no longer lit, the end of the cigarette was burned into a black circle, and the length did not seem to have become shorter.
It should have been lit and then extinguished shortly after.

 

Tang Xu waved at him from inside the room, “Come in.”

 

He walked slowly into the room because he didn’t want to be alone with Tang Xu in such a quiet atmosphere.
He added, “You go wash up.”

 

“Don’t worry about that; come over here first.”

 

In Tang Xu’s room, there was a carpet on the floor, and usually there would be two or three books scattered on it.
But today, there was a transparent book bag with a yellow border on the carpet, and the contents inside were visible at a glance—it was a set of toys.

 

When Tang Cuo saw the bag, he stopped in his tracks.
Tang Xu sat on the carpet and pulled his hand, gesturing for him to sit next to him.

 

“I forgot to give it to you that night when we left in a hurry,” Tang Xu said.

 

The plastic toys were kept in good condition, without fading or cracks that represented time.
Tang Cuo’s towel was taken away by Tang Xu, and his hair was gently wiped, which felt very comfortable.

 

It seems that Tang Xu had planned everything early on, and everything tonight was directed towards that night.

 

People say that children’s memories are very fleeting, and many experiences from childhood will be forgotten, misplaced, or selectively remembered in later memories.
But Tang Cuo remembers that night very clearly—clear enough to remember how many intersections they passed along the way and the sequence of traffic lights at each intersection.

 

That day, Tang Xu promised to take him to McDonald’s, and he was overjoyed.
After they went in, he pointed to a poster on the wall and said he wanted that, so Tang Xu ordered him a children’s meal.

 

Next to them, a child had already opened the small train set, assembled the tracks, and was playing with it on the table.
The small train slid down the winding track from the high point with a “swoosh” sound, which was already exciting enough for Tang Cuo just listening to it.
He pulled Tang Xu’s hand and asked if he could play with the toy first, but Tang Xu shook his head seriously, pointed to the burger and chicken nuggets on the table, and said, “Eat first.”

 

He practically wolfed down a plate of food, and when there was only one piece of chicken nugget left, he picked it up with his greasy fingers and held it up to Tang Xu’s mouth, saying, “Try it; it’s really delicious.”

 

Tang Xu shook his head and said, “You eat it.”

 

He pouted and stuffed the small piece of food into his mouth, swallowing it without even chewing twice.

 

After finishing, he wanted to play with the small train again.
He remembered that Tang Xu looked at his watch and picked up the toy package, saying, “We’ll play with it at home.”

 

He had been looking forward to this McDonald’s meal for a long time, so he was very excited after finishing it.
He didn’t stop talking in the car, but Tang Xu sometimes responded and sometimes said helplessly, “Sihang, take a break.”

 

When did he begin to realize that something was wrong?

 

It may be related to growing up in a small village, since he couldn’t remember the roads in this big city at all.
Despite this, after passing several traffic lights, he leaned against the window and looked for a while, still frowning and muttering, “Tang Xu, aren’t we going home?”

 

At that time, he would always address Tang Xu by name.

 

Tang Xu’s eyes were still focused on the road ahead, as if he were driving intently.
It wasn’t until they stopped at a red light that he turned his head and said, “Let’s go somewhere else first.”

 

Tang Cuo became excited upon hearing this, and with his eyes shining brightly, he leaned over and asked in a hushed voice, “Are we going to play?”

 

Tang Xu fixedly looked at him and finally reached out to rub his head without saying a word.

 

At that time, Tang Cuo was a child who had just started to experience a normal life and didn’t understand anything, let alone observe others’ expressions and emotions.
He thought Tang Xu’s silence meant approval and even cheered twice while still sitting in the car seat.
He was incredibly foolish and wrong.
Only later, when he travelled thousands of miles alone on the road called “growing up” and searched for many answers, did he learn about the term “unspoken pain.”

 

Because it’s hard to express, silence is relative.

 

Tang Xu’s car stopped in front of a strange building, but Tang Cuo didn’t think much of it.
He unbuckled his seat belt and followed Tang Xu out of the car.
After getting out of the car, he even ran over to grab Tang Xu’s hand.

 

A couple was already standing there, and Tang Xu led him over and waved his hand, saying, “Call them Uncle and Aunt.”

 

“Hello, Uncle and Aunt.”

 

“Hey, Si hang… Si hang is good.” Looking back now, he only felt that the aunt seemed very excited when she saw him.

 

After greeting each other, the scene was strange, and the three adults just stood there without speaking, as if competing to see who could stand longer.
Tang Cuo looked up at Tang Xu in confusion and said frankly, “Are we just going to stand here?”

 

Upon hearing this, Tang Xu hesitated briefly before letting go of Tang Cuo’s hand and bending down to support his arms.
At that time, Tang Xu’s eyes were also bright, not because of the light but because of some sparkling liquid.
Tang Cuo looked at him curiously and reached out to touch it.

 

“Sihang, these are your future parents.
They really like you and will take good care of you.
So, you will live with them from now on.
Do you understand?”

 

Tang Cuo widened his eyes and stopped his hand about a fist’s distance away from Tang Xu’s eyes, stunned.
“Wh…what does that mean?”

 

This information was too difficult for him to accept.
He forgot to let go of his hand and stood there stupidly, watching Tang Xu deeply bow to the two people and say, “Please take care of him.”

 

“Don’t worry, he will be our child from now on, and we will do our best to take care of him.”

 

Tang Cuo’s head was buzzing like a train.
It wasn’t until he saw Tang Xu turn around to leave that he suddenly came back to his senses and vaguely understood one thing: Tang Xu didn’t want him anymore.

 

He hurriedly chased after him, and even though it was flat ground, he stumbled and almost fell in the short distance of a few steps.

 

“Tang Xu…” Without saying a word, tears started pouring out in large drops.
He held onto Tang Xu’s arm tightly and cried out, “I don’t want Mom and Dad; I want to be with you!”

 

Tang Xu stopped, and his eyes were red as well.

 

“SiHang, listen to me, okay? You need a family.”

 

“I don’t want…” In less than a minute, Tang Cuo was already sobbing uncontrollably.
Fear turned into the cold and surging river of his childhood, pouring out and overflowing his throat.
It felt like, in just a blink of an eye, he would be completely swallowed up by it.

 

He cried out, “Are you still angry with me? Can’t I apologise? I know I was wrong; I know it now.
I’ll apologize.
Please don’t leave me; I beg you, please, please…”

 

But no matter how he cried and pleaded, Tang Xu just looked at him silently, with sadness, helplessness, and determination in his eyes.

 

After that, everything became too chaotic for Tang Cuo to remember clearly.
He only remembered struggling in the arms of his new parents, holding on tightly to Tang Xu’s arm and begging him not to leave.

 

But Tang Xu still left.
He drove away, leaving behind a trail of dust and completely bidding farewell to the next seven years of Tang Cuo’s life.

 

As Tang Cuo was lost in thought, Tang Xu had already put the railway track together.
Then he pulled Tang Xue towards him and held him in his arms.

 

“Let’s play now, okay?”

 

Something was put in his hand.
Tang Cuo looked down and saw that it was the little red train.
Although it only had two carriages, it was well made, even with a chimney.
Tang Xu held his hand and placed the train at the top of the track, whispering, “Sihang, let go.”

 

As if it were a conditioned reflex, he let go.

 

The little red train turned and raced down the yellow track like a brave and invincible warrior, shouting as it rushed out of the track and landed at Tang Cuo’s feet.
The sound of “swoosh, swoosh” perfectly matched the sound he had heard in McDonald’s years ago.

 

It had only run down the track from top to bottom, yet it seemed to be whistling and running over Tang Cuo’s memories of so many years.

 

Because of it, Tang Cuo’s emotions suddenly broke through the dam that night.

 

He bit the sleeve of his pyjamas and buried his head, not letting himself cry out loud.

 

Tang Xu held him tightly from behind, pulling his arm and whispering in his ear, “Don’t bite your sleeve.
If you want to cry, just cry, okay?”

 

Tang Cuo didn’t know what he was denying, shaking his head incessantly.
Tang Xu finally coaxed and pulled his sleeve out of his mouth, and without anything left to vent his anger, Tang Cuo couldn’t help but cry out loud.

 

Tang Cuo didn’t know what he was denying, shaking his head incessantly.
Tang Xu finally coaxed and pulled his sleeve out of his mouth, and without anything left to vent his anger, Tang Cuo couldn’t help but cry out loud.

 

Tang Xu heard his throat ache; he had no strength to argue and could only hold him and say, “I’m sorry.”

 

Tang Cuo kept talking; everything was illogical, but Tang Xu could still understand.

 

“Later, I didn’t dare to go find you.
I thought you were still angry with me… I won many awards and wanted to show you… I knew you were at the University of Science and Technology, so I also applied to the University of Science and Technology, but actually I don’t like physics or math… but I still want to see you again…” 

 

Tang Xu held him close, letting him lean on his shoulder, and kept saying, “I know, I know.”

 

As if he wanted to cry out years of helplessness and grievances, Tang Cuo cried for a long time, until he had cried out all his strength and stopped.
With swollen eyes, he leaned on Tang Xu, trying to calm himself down with sobs.
Tang Xu held his face and wiped away his tears, saying, “Do you have any more complaints about me? Just say it; I’m listening.”

 

Tang Cuo neither nodded nor shook his head.
He straightened up, avoided his gaze, lowered his head, and kept pulling at the fur of the carpet.

 

Tang Xu touched his neck from behind and kissed his ear.
“Sihang, from now on, will we be together, okay?” 

 

At the moment the words fell, Tang Xu closed the distance between them completely.
He pressed his lips to Tang Cuo’s and kissed him, with one hand pressing on his neck, forcing him to tilt his head slightly upwards.
As Tang Xu’s movements continued, Tang Cuo’s eyelashes were even trembling.

 

This was their first kiss.
Tang Xu didn’t just lightly touch his lips and stop, nor did he go too intense and deep.
Instead, he gently and slowly savored the unique warmth of Tang Cuo’s lips, which were not hot but even slightly cool.

 

Only when he could no longer smell the lemon toothpaste in Tang Cuo’s mouth did Tang Xu release him.